Dilemma Self-Bondage by Bankar

Preface

 

The following is an account of one of my dilemma self-bondage sessions. I did a series of about 20 sessions of this type, gradually increasing the restriction of the bondage and the difficulty of escape. This particular session was one of the middle ones, and is the one I remember best because of what happened at the end. It is a true story so don't expect too much drama.

---

Warning! This story might contain activities that might not be suitable in selfbondage. Please play safe.

---

The Session

 

I was bound and immobile, lying uncomfortably on my left side under the covers of my bed. I had carefully positioned myself and the chains before handcuffing my hands behind my back, so this was to be most comfortable position I would be in for the next hour or so. Once I made an escape attempt I would not easily be able to get back under the covers and would have to lie even less comfortably on top.

My bondage consisted of a large ball gag, a tightly laced leather helmet, weighted nipple clamps, steel handcuffs, a leather ball stretcher and divider, a short ankle chain, and high-heeled shoes. One end of a heavy chain was padlocked to the middle of the ball divider. The other end of this chain was padlocked to a lighter chain the far end of which was padlocked around the doorknob of the fire escape door. This door was locked and its key was in the kitchen, inaccessible to me.

Picture 1

Picture 1 shows the ball divider. I had secured the straps with a cable tie to prevent the snap studs from opening under the considerable force which would eventually be applied to it, and to prevent any possibility of me removing it with my fingers. For photographic clarity I used a narrow white cable tie, but in the actual session I used a stronger black one.

The heavy chain was six feet long and the lighter chain somewhat longer. The reason for using two different sized chains was that I already possessed the light chain and I had purchased the heavy chain especially for these sessions. Both chains were of welded steel and even the light chain was far beyond my capacity to break.

Picture 2

Picture 2 shows the layout of the bedroom I was lying in. It is drawn from memory and may not be exactly to scale. The release key was suspended on a string fixed to the ceiling at point A outside the bedroom door. The key and an attached padlock for weight were held at the ceiling at point B by an ice timer. When the ice melted the key would swing down and hang about 5 feet off the floor. The release was intended to be soundless; a towel in a bucket caught the drips and the key swung without hitting anything. To escape from my bondage I had to walk to the doorway, open the door and reach the key with my hands. The chain was barely long enough to allow me to do this; one or two links shorter and it would have been impossible. Even so, it was difficult; I needed to have my back to the key and lean backwards pulling very hard on my balls and lifting the chains off the floor.

After grasping and detaching the release key from the string I had to walk back to the tall chest, take the metal cash box which was on top, put it on the bed and unlock it with the key. Inside were the keys to my bondage and scissors to cut the cable tie.

I did, of course, have an emergency escape. A string lying on the floor was attached to a can of dirty motor oil on a shelf in the closet. I had placed the string on the floor so that I could get to it even if I fell down and was unable to get up. Pulling on the string would cause the can to tip over spilling oil on my best clothes. I could then pull the oily can across the carpet, ruining it too, and get access to a second release key plus a handcuff key both of which were tied to the can. Since using this escape would spoil both my clothes and the carpet I was not about use it unless it was a matter of life and death.

I would have liked to have another escape method, an ice timer with a third release key and another handcuff key which would drop the keys onto the carpet after a lapse of about 4 hours. But I only had 2 keys to the cash box and it did not occur to me to use a handcuff key and either a pair of scissors, or a key to one of the chain padlocks. Or perhaps I subconsciously repressed that idea since I wanted to be absolutely dependent on the difficult primary escape method.

One reason for being gagged is that I wanted to feel completely trapped in bondage and not be able to shout to attract the neighbors. Not that I would have been able to do so even ungagged. The room was on the top floor at the corner of an old but well-constructed apartment building. I never heard anything from the apartment below me, nor from the apartment that adjoined the bedroom in which I was lying. I did occasionally hear the TV of the neighbor through the wall on the far side of the kitchen, but the chains attached to my balls kept me from leaving the bedroom and approaching that wall.

I gently massaged the fingers of one hand with the other. Some of my fingers, and the sides of my hands, were going numb due to the pressure exerted by the steel cuffs pressing on my wrists. I wondered how long I had been lying there and whether there was any chance that the ice timer had released its key. My leather helmet with its blindfold prevented me from seeing the alarm clock on the bedside table.

My original idea behind these bondage sessions was that I would fall asleep, and when I awoke would have no idea if the ice timer had released the escape key. I would then have to decide whether to try to escape or wait; a real dilemma. Each escape attempt was difficult, dangerous and painful. This motivated me to wait a long time before attempting to escape, and to delay a long time between each attempt. On the other hand my bondage became progressively more painful as I waited, motivating me to try to escape early and often.

The sessions never worked out quite like the initial idea; I never could fall asleep during them, the bondage was too severe. But that didn't really matter since I could not see the ice timer from the bed and could not tell the time. In the early sessions I was not blindfolded and removed my alarm clock from the bedroom, but starting around the sixth session I blindfolded myself making it unnecessary to remove the clock. But even though the ice timer was designed to be silent with a towel muffling the sound of the drips, I heard, or thought I heard, the subtle sound of its release on two occasions after I had opened the door and returned to the bed. So from the sixth session onward I wore a tightly laced leather helmet. This not only blocked my vision, making it unnecessary to remove the alarm clock and the light bulbs from the bedroom, but it muffled sound and completely prevented me from hearing the ice timer release. It also helped keep the ball gag firmly in my mouth and prevented any chance of pushing it out with my tongue.

The ice timer was set to release the key about an hour and a half after I had finished binding myself. I never had access to a clock, so even though I did many sessions, I still don't know how variable the duration was. I suspect the longest time was well over two hours.

After each session I modified the setup, making the bondage more restrictive or painful and making the escape more difficult. In the particular session I am describing I was wearing weighted nipple clamps for the first time. The clamps were the spring loaded clover type, and the weights were padlocks locked around short nylon strings attached to each clamp. As I lay waiting to make my first escape attempt the padlock weights were resting on the bed, and motivated me to keep still and not cause additional pain to my nipples by moving.

As I waited, occasionally massaging my fingers to restore circulation, the discomfort of my bonds gradually increased to pain. The three major culprits were the nipple clamps pinching my flesh, the ball gag stretching my jaw, and the ball stretcher and divider constricting my balls. The increasing pain, combined with a feeling of boredom, made me decide to attempt an early escape, one in which I thought there was only about a ten percent chance that the ice timer had released it key.

In a previous session I had tried counting the seconds to get an estimate of the elapsed time but the effort seemed not worthwhile. Some of the joys of a self-bondage session are to savor the feelings of being restrained, to enjoy the heightened consciousness of the fear of being completely trapped, to fantasize, and to become aroused. Counting seconds precludes much of this, although it does mitigate the sometimes inevitable boredom.

I began my escape attempt. The first thing to do was to wriggle forward over the heavy chain and grab it with my hands. This was so that I could hold it and use my hands to pull it across the floor instead of using my balls. I had learned this trick during my first session. With the chain in my hands, my balls only had to take the weight of a short loop around my left thigh and not the full weight as it hung down to the floor.

But as I moved forward there was an incredible searing pain in my left nipple. The padlock weight had become trapped under my chest and as I moved forward it seemed that the clamp almost pulled my nipple off. I have read that some people manage to pull clover clamps off, but I have found that after about ten minutes the jaws are so deeply embedded in my flesh that there is no way I can do this. I used the clover type since I wanted to make sure they would remain on for the whole session, even though they cause some long-term nerve damage after being on for an hour or more.

I had been concentrating on reaching for the chain and had forgotten about the nipple clamps. I quickly moved back. Then more cautiously wriggled forward making sure not to trap the weight again. I grabbed the heavy chain and then swung my legs down and sat on the edge of the bed. The act of standing up while blindfolded and in high heels with a short ankle chain is scary because of the fear of falling forward. After falling in an earlier session I had adopted the procedure of sitting for a minute before attempting to stand. I thought this helped my balance after lying down.

As I sat I worked the heavy chain through my hands until I felt it pull my balls to the left. My balls would now only need to support the short length of chain draped over my left thigh.

My shoes had two-inch platforms and spike heels a little over six inches long (measured at the extreme back of the shoe). The platform tapered so it was narrower at the bottom that at the top, decreasing its stability. I had to be very careful when walking on the carpet, and make sure I kept my weight on the front of my foot and not exert any sideways force. Fortunately the carpet was old and not very thick.

The shoes were held on my feet by ankle straps and by straps across the toes. I could probably have removed them to make walking easier, but if I did that I would be unable to escape. With Machiavellian deviousness I had arranged the key release string to hold the key so high that I needed the height of the heels in order to reach it. Barefoot I could not reach the key.

In an earlier session, before I was blindfolded, I could see objects in the dim light filtering through the window shades. I had more confidence in my ability to walk and, being less careful, fell to the floor. I don't remember how it happened, but with a short chain connecting my ankles a fall was inevitable once I began to lose my balance. The large step needed for recovery was impossible. I did not hurt myself but my left shoe almost came off. The ankle strap held but my toes partially came out from under the toe straps. I crawled back to the bed, got up onto it and sat on the edge. I tried to work my toes back under the straps but was not successful. I had to limp very slowly and very carefully to the release key but fortunately the shoe stayed on allowing me to grab the release key and eventually free myself. After that episode I became ultra-careful about my balance.

In the present session I sat for a minute on the edge of the bed and then stood up. I was so afraid of falling forwards that I stood up tentatively without putting enough of my weight forward. I overbalanced backwards and had sat down again.

On my second attempt I stood up successfully and remained balanced on my shoes. I put my weight forward and then began to walk forwards taking only the small steps allowed by the six-inch chain connecting my ankles. In my mind I visualized where I was going. From where I was sitting on the bed I would walk directly forwards in a straight line and bump into the center of the low chest of drawers. It was only a few feet, but bound as I was it seemed a long way.

 

An examination of the room diagram shows that walking diagonally to the doorway would be a shorter total distance to the release key. But there were no convenient landmarks to bump into and give me guidance. In addition there was some clutter on the floor. I am not the tidiest of people and there were clothes and odd pieces of bondage equipment strewn about. Solid objects like handcuffs and chains on the floor were not a major problem; I could feel them with my shoes and either push them aside or walk around them. But clothes were dangerous. I could not feel them and if I stepped on them it made the shoes considerably less stable and there was a real possibility of falling. Before the sessions I always made sure the direct path from the bed to the low chest and from the low chest to the doorway were free from such clutter. But I would likely walk into something if I deviated significantly from my chosen path.

 

I bumped into the low chest. I turned right and, keeping in contact with it, worked my way to the right corner, all the time holding the heavy chain in my hands and dragging it across the carpet. I must have collided with the chest near the left hand corner since it seemed a long way to the right corner. Checking my direction I set out towards the door. Although I tried to walk in a straight line I feared deviating to the right, for there were objects lying on the floor. Veering to left was less of a problem since I would simply bump into the wall.

 

After a few steps the chain lifted from the floor and I could make no further progress while holding it. I released it and it fell to the carpet, the resulting jerk on my balls softened by its being partially wrapped around my left leg. I continued to walk forward feeling the increasing pull of the chain on my balls. After a few steps the chain tightened and it became difficult to make any forward progress, so I turned around and began to walk backwards towards the door. The chain lifted off the floor and I had to lean back to apply more force.

My hands touched the door. Previous sessions had taught me the height of the doorknob from the floor, so I just had to search horizontally for it. After turning the doorknob I walked forwards and sideways to fully open the door, and feel the welcome reduction in force on my balls.

 

I backed up towards the open doorway and after a few small steps could go no further; I was pulling as hard as I could on my poor balls by leaning back on my stiletto heels. It was time to reach up for the release key. I stretched my hands back and up searching for it but could not find it. This did not mean it was not there, I might not be standing at the center of the doorway. So I edged sideways reaching back up again. After searching both to the left and right, I concluded that the ice timer had not released its key, as I had suspected all along.

 

I walked forward to lower the chain to the carpet and reduce the painful force on my balls. After a few steps the force diminished sufficiently that I could stop and relax a little. Now it might seem that a reasonable plan would be to wait there for several minutes before making another attempt to get the key. But I had foreseen this easy alternative. With my hands handcuffed behind my back I could not pick up the heavy chain and its weight combined with the height and instability of the shoes made waiting more than a few minutes too painful. With the additional weight of the nipple clamps it was now even less desirable than in previous sessions to remain standing, so I headed back to the bed to lie down and wait before making another escape attempt.

 

The direction the chain pulled on my balls gave me the approximate direction back to the low chest. Retracing my route back to the chest and then to the bed was more difficult than my outward journey since my balls had to drag the full weight of the heavy chain across the carpet, and I had to be careful not to step on the chain as I walked. But psychologically it seemed easier since I no longer had to fear the hard pull on my balls at the end of the walk.

 

I successfully reached the bed and lay down, the weighted clamps twisting my nipples painfully as I did so. I grabbed the heavy chain and pulled it onto the bed so my balls could rest from its continual tugging.

 

I lay, less comfortably than before, on the covers, and waited. Here was my dilemma. How long should I wait before making another escape attempt? Each attempt was painful and dangerous so I didn't want to make too many of them. But lying on the bed was both boring and painful so I didn't want to wait too long.

 

As I lay I wondered why I did this to myself. The session was in turn painful, boring and dangerous. As I write this the answer seems to be that I forget the bad parts of the sessions, and the pleasure and excitement of planning the session and binding myself are too seductive to resist.

 

I waited for about 10 to 15 minutes, until I thought there was a good chance the ice timer had released its key and began my second escape attempt. I had let go the heavy chain in order not to lie uncomfortably on it, so I began to move forward to grab it again. I was being careful with the nipple clamps when a worrisome thought suddenly occurred to me; what if my weighted nipple clamps get tangled with the heavy chain? If this happened then there would be no way to get free. I would not even be able to reach the string of my backup escape. I think this was unlikely, but the possibility frightened me. So I turned more on my back trying to keep the weights away from the chain as I moved. Because of the possibility of being trapped I resolved not to wear weighted nipple clamps in any future session.

 

I successfully grabbed the heavy chain and made it to the open doorway without further mishap. But the release key still had not dropped.

 

I returned to the bed and waited until I was almost certain the key had released before making another attempt. But I still couldn't feel the key. I spent extra time searching wondering if I was not pulling back hard enough or lifting my arms high enough.

 

Lying on the bed after the third attempt I became very worried that the ice timer had failed and wondered what I should do. One thing I did not do was waste time thinking of ways to escape or futilely fighting my bonds. I had done that in earlier sessions and knew that escape without a key was completely impossible.

 

I waited a long time before making my fourth attempt. As I finally reached back and up my fingers touched the key and its padlock weight. With a feeling of enormous relief I detached the key and, clutching it tightly, made my way to the tall chest. Turning round and reaching back I lifted the cash box off the chest and carefully placed it on the bed. Sitting down I inserted the key into the lock. For some reason, before turning the key, I checked the lid of the box. To my surprise it opened; I had forgotten to lock it!!! I felt very foolish; I could have released myself at any time.

 

Postscript

 

I did about another ten sessions and never made that mistake again. The subsequent sessions had increasingly elaborate bondage. But I never fell again and the ice timer always worked allowing me to escape. I decided that the weighted nipple clamps added to the excitement and difficulty of the sessions and so, contrary to my resolution, continued to use them. My nipples suffered long-term nerve damage from the clover clamps and became less sensitive. Because of this I tried other types of clamps, but occasionally reverted to the clover clamps since they are the most secure. During the sequence of sessions my balls adapted to the force of the chain. By the tenth session described here, the chain was several links shorter than in the first session, requiring me to pull back with much more force and lift the chains completely off the floor. The sessions only ended when I lost my job and had to move out of the apartment.